


i keep coming back to you

by lourcarrizo



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Angst, Bill Denbrough & Eddie Kaspbrak Are Best Friends, Bisexual Richie Tozier, Childhood Friends, Friends to Lovers, Gay Eddie Kaspbrak, Happy Ending, High School, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 07:08:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23847223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lourcarrizo/pseuds/lourcarrizo
Summary: Eddie Kaspbrak had to go to an exchange program and live in Argentina for a year. Well, he didn't exactly have to, but it seemed like a good idea: escape from his messy life in Maine, messiest part being his childhood friend not talking to him anymore. Now he is back, and he is really excited to see Mike, Ben and Bill again, but is his life in Derry gonna be the same as a year before? What happened with Richie Tozier after all this time?
Relationships: Bill Denbrough & Eddie Kaspbrak, Bill Denbrough & Richie Tozier, Eddie Kaspbrak & Richie Tozier, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Kudos: 21





	1. introduction to eddie

**Author's Note:**

> hi !! this is my first work writing Ever. so if you have any critics please let me know in the comments, it would help a lot!! i don't really know how to tag things here, so maybe you would like to know some stuff about this fic:  
> -the losers are 16/17  
> -bill, eddie, mike, ben and richie are the only members of the losers club at the beginning. richie not really being a part of it because of *things*  
> -in the year that eddie went away bev and stan joined derry high school !!

A year ago, Eddie Kaspbrak had escaped.

He spent all his life living in a box, a very small box for a person whose way of being occupied so much, taked a lot of space. At least that’s how Eddie always thought about his house. Too tiny, too quiet, suffocating, walls hovering and locking him up more and more everyday.

He obviously knew it wasn’t the house’s fault, but the one that controlled it, who was most of the time his mother. There were times of the day when she was gone, and suddenly he felt that he could breathe a little better. _Mom, it’s so ironic. If you only knew i can actu_ ally _breathe better when you are not around, when you are very, very far away._

There were times of the day where his light blue walls were perfectly fine, and he could be a little more loud. But then again, to who? Truth is, Eddie hated and feared the time his mother was at home, but also disliked when she was not. When he was lonely, with no one to talk to but himself.

He would do chores, his homework, working through the parts of it he couldn’t get out loud, organizing his closet and talking to every piece of fabric in it. _Ugh green jacket, what are you doing here?_ Green jackets can’t answer, not even in his head, so eventually it also came the time when he couldn’t talk to anyone but himself, and the questions would begin. What are you doing with your life? Why is your life the way it is? Are you planing on doing anything about it? And it was other kind of torture, because yes, her mother was his living nightmare, but Himself, that was a person he didn’t know much, and was a little scared to.

So then he would do what any regular teenager, use his phone. Personally he didn’t enjoy social media that much, his Instagram had like four pictures and none of them were of him, but of hang outs with the losers: Bill trying to help Georgie baking cupcakes, with flour on his face, Ben holding a pile of books he chose from the library, smiling at him a little bit shy, some orange flowers that grew up in Mike’s farm that he found interesting, and… _Oh no, he archived that one._ Well, point was he didn’t understand the point of posting pictures of yourself for your friends to see. There was nothing interesting in that. So he would just watch YouTube videos non-stop or just text the losers groupchat with silly stuff, but he always felt that the back of his mind was telling him he wasn’t doing anything useful, he was just wasting away, wasting time.

There were also nights, there was a time nights became the only time apart from hours at school with the losers, or the few times Sonia let him hang out with them that meant freedom. There was a time when his window would allow a world full of gigles and fun and conversations to fill his room. But that time had ended, someone stopped opening that window, it was someone else because Eddie was never the one to start doing it. Now he can’t even let his mind pronounce his name so the memories won’t assault him with sadness.

There used to be a time when the only person in his life who was such a painful enigma for him to not want to have them in his mind was his mother, and then there was two. But he would never put this two people in the same place, because with his mother, all that she brought to his mind was the sadness, the hate, the guilt that comes after the hate, the fear. With the second person, it comes the happines, the laughs, the talking, the love, the sadness that comes after remembering he lost that love.

His mother was the person that made his life as miserable as it was, the second person was the only one that brought happiness into it, and he just had to deal with the fact that now it was gone.

But Eddie had escaped that, at least for a while. Eddie could run, finally. Do what he always wanted to do. He went as far away as he could. And he learned. And he cried, a lot. And he met people that also made him laugh, maybe not as hard as the losers, not as hard as... Richie.

But they did, he met people that didn’t know about his background, they didn’t need to. The city wasn’t small enough for it to be the only topic of conversation between his neighbours, he could talk about it if he wanted, and he did, and he understood, he understood that his background, his parents, wasn’t all that he was. It shaped who he was a little, but it wasn’t all of him. He realized he could also make people laugh, he had a personality outside of his trauma, he was a scorpio apparently too, _which Mar said that it actually made a lot of sense_ (not to Eddie), he had feelings and emotions, and it was valid to have them. And no one was gonna reprimand him for them. And he grew, and maybe he couldn’t forgive, maybe he will never be able to do so. But he separated himself from his life some time, viewed things from a different perspective, and loved. Loved himself. Maybe not as much as he needs to, yet. But he will get there.

Or that was what he thought. Is easy to think you’ll have things under control when you are countries away from the mess. Here, on the aiport, waiting for Sonia to pick him up to go back ‘home’, he wasn’t so sure. Being an exchange student in Argentina for a year was everything he needed, a new language, new people, new culture, it really was saying goodbye to his life for a bit. But that was the problem, it was for a bit, not forever. And even though he promised Mar, Orne and Mateo in the middle of tears and hugs some hours ago that he will go back sometime in the future, now he isn’t so sure. Argentina meant freedom, growth and peace. Derry meant tiny rooms, walls and fear. Now in Bangor’s airport already, he is scared that once he steps one foot in there again, he might not be able to be free ever.

Sonia sees him a few minutes after he arrives at the airport. After a year without actually seeing her, he expected her to throw herself at him, suffocating hugs, whatever medicine in hand, palm on his forehead to check his temperature already.

None of that happens.

Ten steps away from each other, Sonia has one old jacket of him in her hands, looks at him from head to toe, glazed eyes, like she is about to cry, and immediately goosebumps travel Eddie’s body, waiting for it: the crying that makes him so so umcomfortable. It doesn’t come. She walks up to him, pets his head, hands him the jacket, and tells him softly, “Is too cold outside, you should wear this so you won’t get sick. Welcome.” Then she steps back and smiles to him, and is already making his way between people to get out of the airport. Eddie is frozen for some seconds before he can recover and follow her outside.

It’s still her but also not. The obssesive “worryness” is still there, but the approach is different. Is like she doesn’t take all his space to bother and smush him and pressure him. Is like she is still her but from afar. Some steps away. Maybe he can work with that for now.

Once in the car she doesn’t put the religious radio chanel she used to, just tell hims to put his seatbelt on and stays silent after that. Eddie does, takes out his headphones and listens to the playlist Luna made him for the plane.

Maybe returning to home wasn’t gonna be as scary as he thought, but odd.

After putting on the playlist, he goes through his contacts, finds the one and types.

[Saturday]

[10 pm] **Eddie:** i’m an hour away

[10:02 pm] **Big Bill:** Finally!! What the fuck i’m so excited to see you again

[10:02 pm] **Eddie** : my mom won’t probably want me to visit you guys this late, but i can go to your house first thing in the morning and maybe we could hang out with ben and mike?

[10:03 pm] **Big Bill:** Yeah of course!

[10:04 pm] **Big Bill** : Do you want me to tell Richie or…

 **Read**

[10:06 pm] **Eddie** : i mean, no?

[10:06] **Eddie** : we didn’t talk since i was away, but if he is hanging out with you then sure, it’s ok with me

[10:07] **Big Bill** : No, he hangs out with new kids now so nevermind

_Oh?_

Eddie opens Twitter, the only app he uses now, where he could see little updates from the losers’ lives when he was away.

He tweets, “in derry again in an hour, kind of scary not gonna lie”

_@HANL0N replied: “ dude!! Can’t wait to see you and hug you till you can’t breathe”_

He replies, “you don’t say that to asthmatics mike”.

Everything was gonna be the same, and he doesn’t know how to feel about that.


	2. introducing a distracted richie tozier

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie Kaspbrak exists and he is coming back today, anytime now, and of course Richie knows that. Countdown over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope u enjoy !!! feels like the first chapter so really nervous about this, psa english isn't my first language so if u feel like i made a mistake please let me know !!

Sun and light coming from the windows, the moment when unconsciousness meets real world and the lines are blurry and you could be half there and half non existent. Pieces of dreams and disproportionate faces going away, silent noise disappearing, half-closed eyes opening, and his first thought is: September. Bittersweet September.

September for Richie was a bunch of mixed feelings. He knew something was coming, because everything does on September. September meant the start of a new year in school, and the end of summer vacation, freedom and distractions. Richie was very, very aware of the bittersweetness of September, and so were Bev and Stan by consequence, sometimes it felt like their mood worked like a domino, and in even rare sometimes, their thoughts too.

September meant the death of free time to all of them, so they tried to delay it or push it back as much as they could. Plans every day, spending every second as together as they could. Let's do this, and that, and this after that. Let's _go, go, go. Just forget it's coming._

It's not like the last days of summer vacation were that abnormal though, because they had spent almost all summer together anyway, but now they had to tire themselves out of doing things as much as they could. And none of them talked about it, it was just a tacit agreement, but they _knew_. They knew because of how often Stan spent nights out with them (Stan loved them, and loved to be with them, but he needed some time alone too, and he used to skip their meetings late at night wandering around, but now he was always there, a little quiet and not as present, but there). They knew because of how often they would be at Bev's. They knew because even the breeze felt a little different when something is ending.

This change wasn't as dramatic for Stan and Bev, and Richie acknowledges that. He knows because when September rolls around, they have this aura of resignation around them, and on Tuesday, September 1st, Bev has this _hey, it's here, let's make the best out of it_ kind of look, and Richie wants to scream and rip his hair off because it isn't here, _not yet, and school starts in six days but i only care about four._ And at this surprising revelation his brain supplied for him, he stops going that route. And he ignores it once again. That Tuesday Bev goes to his house and they watch tv on his couch while they eat doritos, he has his feet on her lap and she tells him Stan is not coming today, so he turns up the volume.

On Wednesday they are at Bev's, she is cleaning up her living room and Stan and him are playing with her cat Surmonter, _but Montie really, because when Stan was seven, he thought it was stupid for a cat to have a french name, and Beverly cried on his backyard, but a few seconds later she started giggling like the crazy maniac she is, and now the cat's name is Montie to anyone except Bev. Richie wasn't there but he is glad that Stan was mean as a kid, because Surmonter is a really fucking long name for a cat._ On Wednesday they were playing with the cat and Bev said "We should go shopping" and Stan frowned, cause he definitely didn't want to go shopping, but Richie said Yay, and then Stan asked why, and Beverly said she needed a new backpack for school, _thank you Richie._ And in Richie's defense, he didn't know mustard stained like that, if he would have known he wouldn't throw mustard at it, and he wouldn't have to go shop for school supplies. Stan said _let's go,_ and Richie pouted and he said "Why are you pouting right now? You just fucking _yayed!"_ and Richie answered "It's September", and they nodded with empathy and that was it.

They ended up having a good time, they went to Walmart, 'cause Bev and him also needed pens, erasers and shit, and you just always have fun buying insignificant things at Walmart with your best friends.

That night they all stayed up facetiming until midnight when Bev decided she had to go to sleep already because she had to be up early to run some errands with Aunt Clara, Stan stayed talking to him until 4 a.m, because he knew Richie didn't want to go to sleep yet, and he couldn't go out with Bev right now and he didn't want to be lonely. So they talked for hours, about muppets and then rats and red pandas and " _No Richie, i'm sure Liam Payne didn't name his son Waterfall", "I swear it was some weird shit! Google it' "Just because i'm intrigued right now…" "You'll see", "He named him Bear, you idiot", "I was close?!", "How?!" "It was some dumb shit…"_ and stuff like that for some reason. When Richie yawned they decided it was time to sleep. Stan hates going to sleep late.

Richie loves Stan.

He slept well past breakfast time, and lunch time, and then Maggie thought it was _Richie-wake up-already time,_ so he did, and he grabbed a box of cereal, watched TV with Went for a bit, told his mom her shirt was really cool, and checked his phone. That afternoon Bev, Stan and him stayed outside of his house sitting on the street watching the sunset and eating cereal in silence. Stan asked Bev what was her opinion on red pandas, out of nowhere, and it sent Richie into a laugh attack that Stan followed and Bev got mad because he didn't get it. The sky was lilac.

Last Friday was there, and Friday is last day. Last day before chaos, and crashing and burn.

They were all in Bev's kitchen, and Aunt Clara was helping her with the dough of her cookies, Richie was just commenting their whole process as if this cooking situation was airing on national television. He somehow had a lot of flour on his cheeks, even though he didn't help with them at all, and Beverly was just losing it, laughing hysterically, " _Auntie this just looks fucking gross"_. Stan was just looking at them with the biggest smile on his face, and suddenly Richie was very grateful that he got to see this side of him, Stan loved Bev and Richie and Aunt Clara and everyone that he accepted in his life, and he always showed it, he was there for everyone and he cared. He gave them his softest side, and Richie was momentarily sad just thinking about not everyone getting to see this side of Stan, relaxed Stan, puppy kind of Stan, because of the walls he always puts up with the people he doesn't let in yet, always calm collected, a little too formal and precise. Then he felt a rush of happiness, because he does get to know the super fucking fantastic and nice person Stanley Uris is, all of him, good and bad, persevering and ecstatic, hilarious and sharp, but with a softness wrapping it all up. So he goes and boops his nose. And Stan looks at him really confused, and kind of annoyed because Richie just broke the sort of love-trance he was in, but Richie doesn't care.

Bev's cookies end up tasting pretty good.

He wakes up on Saturday, and everything is bad. And he knows, and he remembers, _of course he does._ And he can't die but his life is over anyway. The calendar on his kitchen puts a rope around his head and he is gonna hang himself, in the kitchen, and Maggs is gonna know why, and Went might know too, but Stan and Bev won't. The tunnel to his death looks like doe eyes, and laughs and crying, and silver and bikes, a light blue room, a window. His pass to this life expired and he can't think straight, or act or feel right. He smashes his head against his kitchen table. And Maggs walks down the stairs on her morning gown, the dark green one, peaceful face that just woke up, unaware. He has his head against the kitchen table and she asks if he wants breakfast. Richie answers that he is dying. "Maybe you wouldn't be dying if you ate breakfast". Breakfast is gonna make him vomit right now. "Juice and toasts is good" because vomit is gonna happen anyway. "Got ya", she says smiling, and she finds this funny, or not strange at all, just a normal daily interaction, doesn't notice how the color palette of Richie's movie just turned grey and white and just a wintery pigment, and music is playing in the background, the kind of music you want to listen while you sit on the middle of the street when is raining, and birds aren't chirping.

Maggie finds a dead Richie on the kitchen and makes him breakfast and somehow he isn't dead yet, but he doesn't think he will survive for much longer.

He spends the day stressing, cleaning his room (which makes Maggie ask if he is really going to die and how does he know), and going back to watch tv with Went. He lets Richie choose because he wants to be a good dad when his son is clearly dying (he knows this because according to Maggie he made his bed and cleaned up his room and he didn't check his phone since he woke up).

Is 5 p.m and Went is taking a nap and Maggie is knitting at the kitchen table while she drinks coffee, (people say the smell of coffee at the kitchen on a sunny day is one of the best little pleasures in life, he can't see it) and he is just across from her and staring. It could be nice, maybe if he shuts down his brain for a moment it is. But then she just sighs and says, "Honey, do you want to tell me something?" and he keeps staring, because, does he?... No. _She needs to tell him something. Anything. Please put something out there, i just need a distraction_. Silence means no. Silence also means danger to Maggie, at least when it comes to Richie. She desperately wants to ask what's wrong, but that's a mistake, because Richie will just go away. And maybe if he was a girl this would be easier, but he is not. So she just asks, "Are you worried about school starting on Monday?"

"Kind of." She smiles. _That's good, he isn't dead. Dead bodies can't answer._ But then she remembers last summer and thinks again.

"Why? You do great with grades! And you haven't had any 'behavior problems' since Stanley and Beverly are with you." He frowns, and so does she. Oh. She thinks he gets it. "Did you get into a fight?"

"No! No! Of course not."

"That's good." It really is, is comforting to know that, she doesn't think she could handle sad and lonely Richie again, or if _he_ could. "Why didn't you hang out with them today?".

He starts shifting and looks kind of lost, then just says, "They were busy today, but i think they might not be now, i'm gonna go check on them." He is runs upstairs and is gone. Maggie really hopes he is a good mother, even though she cannot understand his son sometimes. Can any mother?

It takes Richie two hours of listening to music to check his phone. He knows there's gonna be texts from Bev and Stan asking what were they gonna do today, texts asking Richie where the hell was he, and texts worrying about his absence. And he was right. They know they could have just go to his house and find out, but what happened today was actually very rare of him, so they probably figured out he needed privacy and some time alone, and he did.

[7 pm] rich: hey im alive

[7 pm] rich: was just dealing with some stuff at home today i guess

[7:03 pm] Bev: heyy that's ok !!

[7:03 pm] Bev: we were just a little worried i guess

[7:04 pm] Stan: Yes, maybe next time don't ghost us asshole :/

[7:04 pm] Bev: he isn't being serious :( we are glad that u are good !!

[7:05 pm] Stan: I wasn't. But you know you can talk to us, right?

[7:06 pm] rich: i know Stannyy!!! not a big deal i promise you both <3 <3

[7:07 pm] Stan: That's good, i'm glad it wasn't.

[7:07 pm] Bev: we are at stan's, do u wanna come over? or for us to go to your's?

[7:08 pm] rich: nah it's fine i think i want to stay here a little bit

[7:08 pm] rich: we still can facetime tonight though ?

[7:08 pm] Bev: sure !! we'll call u in like an hour if that's good

[7:08 pm] rich: that's perfect bevvv

[7:09 pm] Stan: I'll join but i can't go to sleep that late tonight, have to go shopping with my dad tomorrow. But i'll be there.

[7:10 pm] rich: don't worry about it Stanpal, with seeing you for a second my heart will be content <3

[7:10 pm] Stan: Shut up :/

Richie isn't dead, not yet, but he feels like death is coming for him, he is in his literal deathbed, staring at the ceiling. He can't breathe, because the million thoughts he tried to avoid every day the past year are drowning him now. He is in so much pain, feeling in every inch of whatever thing that is not part of his physical body but it's him, in his brain, inside. If it was physical it would be better he thinks, like when you have the flu and just take some syrup, eat some soup and skip school. He suddenly understands adicts, wanting the morphine, the pain relieving, the distraction.

And he doesn't want to talk to anyone, but he also wants to scream to every living person that this is it. Vacation is over. But they aren't gonna get it, because that's not what he means! Is not school is-

Him.

Maybe Mike Hanlon would get it. No. Mike Hanlon _for sure_ would get it.

But Mike Hanlon doesn't exist anymore, does he?

He does and doesn't. He exists when they pass each other on school hallways, and he smiles at Richie. For that tiny second they know each other again and they might catch up with what is going on in their day. He doesn't exist after that, because it would hurt too much.

Is not school, is freckled cheeks that mirror him, that are connected to him, but that are _so, so much prettier_.

Maybe Ben Hanscom would get that, because he always knew one thing or two about beauty. But Richie doesn't want to talk about it, and he can't talk about it, not to him, not to even… Bill Denbrough.

No, they don't exist, they can't, it's too late for them to live in the same universe as him.

It's too late for Richie to keep pretending that that universe ever existed.

They exist and they lead him to a bigger piece of the cosmos, the piece that is gonna make him finally collide.

He didn't want to remember, to think about it more than the few seconds when he wakes up everyday, but he _has to_ now.

Eddie Kaspbrak exists. That name holds so much, it's too much. And he isn't from another universe, not even other galaxy anymore. He is here, or at least he is going to be soon, and Richie isn't ready, he never was and probably never will. This is a lot to take in. He should have tried to prepare himself before, but he just wanted to forget. Or if he doesn't want to lie to himself… he didn't want to forget, _God, even if he wanted he couldn't ever do that_ , but make-believe had worked.

Eddie Kaspbrak exists and he is coming back today, anytime now, and of course Richie knows that. Countdown over.

And it's bittersweet. It's a bunch of mixed feelings. It's the start and the end.

It's confusing, such a big struggle, because Richie was never good with feelings, and he is feeling so much right now. And it's a state he associates with Eddie, and that's bad.

Eddie Kaspbrak means everything: best and worst times. This is way more than he let himself think about him in the last months, because once he opens that door he can't shut it down. He opened it and now his mind is flooded.

He has to collect himself already.

He has to call Stan and Bev in a little bit more than an hour. He has to brush his teeth. _He could go downstairs and grab some left overs of pizza before that though._ He is going to delay dealing with this even more. Procrastinate until you make it. His mind can be as flooded as it wants, but he is gonna take this second by second. If he don't see it, it isn't true yet, right?

He heads downstair, and his body aches. It's so dramatic, and he knows that, but he can't help it. He guesses 'dramatic' is a good way to describe himself, at least if we go by these last months, or year. His body does ache, and he is shaking, he doesn't know how to stop it. Maybe the pizza will help. He grabs it from the fridge and it's cold, _obviously_ , and there's a voice that whispers that cold pizza is gross, and it isn't Stan's or Bev's because they don't care. Well maybe Stan _does_ care about that type of stuff, but he likes cold pizza. And it doesn't even matter anyway.

There's two more slices so he grabs the box and heads upstairs, and the voice in his head tells him that if he takes that box of pizza to his room it's gonna be there forever, because he is nasty and never cleans up; it's definitely not his own, and it could be Stanley's but it isn't.

He gets to his room and he is eating pizza so everything should be fine but it doesn't stop his shivering. _Huh_.

He looks around for distractions, pale brown walls where you can hardly see the brown because of the posters covering them: Pixies, The Clash, The Modern Lovers on one side, then a wall with more modern stuff: Wallows, Cavetown, The Growlers, Mac Demarco, his wall with his favourite movies: Dazed and Confused, Goodfellas, and even Stand by Me, Ferris Bueller's, because those hit home.

He could update his playlists or make a new one, but he feels like that may put him in a worst mood, he loves music, but it often puts him in this sad or just in-his-feelings type of way, and it's the last thing he needs right now. He could watch one of those movies for the hundredth time, but it will also leave him thinking too much. Maybe watching something light and fun will help, so he puts on John Mulaney special on Netflix for the next hour, and it does distract him for a bit, so it works.

Beverly calls exactly at 8pm, because of course she does. Beverly cares, Beverly notices and Beverly worries, is just the way she is. Is not like Richie doesn't want to talk to his friends, he does, really, especially since he hasn't see them all day after being together every day this summer, but he also worries. He worries that Bev _will_ notice, that somehow she is gonna see through him and that all his secrets and omissions are gonna be discovered.

"Hey, you ugly boy!" Richie isn't that worried as soon as he hears Bev's loud and excited voice, and her face too close in the screen: blue but also greenish eyes and button type of nose with a few freckles start to appear. She is already smiling and it easiest everything, he always feels like that around Bev: like he can breathe and relax and be himself, she makes him feel good about his loud personality for a moment, Bev never was weirded out by anything that had to do with him, never thought he was too much, never acted annoyed at his antics, she does the opposite: always tells Richie to make that joke, go for it, _climb that tree? Ok, i bet you three dollars that you are gonna fall,_ Richie tries to be funny and she laughs and then runs with a joke herself. She is probably the only person Richie almost never feels insecure with, they are connected and in sync, like the sister he never had.

"I think you called the wrong guy, Bev, there's just good looks this way", she rolls her eyes laughing. _Maybe everything is good_. "Where's Stan?"

"Oh, i came home right after we texted you earlier, i had to do some chores here, he is probably gonna join any minute."

Stan did join two minutes after that, and Richie started to forget about his worries again. The bickering, jokes and laughs always made it so easy, it took Stan a "Hey idiot, are you still moody?" for Bev to yell at him, then Stan clarifying that he really wanted to know if he was okay, him saying that he was, brushing the situation away saying that it was just some _home issues_ as always, then throwing there a joke, for them just to start talking about the most random and stupidest shit ever as usual. Richie liked it that way.

Bev started telling him about what they did that day, "Yeah, you weren't answering so i just headed to his, the plan was to both of us get your ass out of your house, but Stan said we should just text you again and leave it at that." Which doesn't match their energy of the text from earlier at all, "And i thought that was really fucking stupid, but he said that if i trusted him we would go to Cherry's and he would pay the ice-cream."

"Dude, what?! You went for ice cream when i wasn't there?? Sugar daddy style and all?!"

Stan scrunches his face, " _Gross_. And i always pay for your shit! Both of you!" He shakes his head as if he was really annoyed, which they know he isn't. "I really need friends that aren't poor and use me for my money."

"There's no fantastic _and_ rich friends Stanny, you can't have it all." Richie is lying, because he actually has money and Stan doesn't need to pay for his things, he just does that because he likes to, but he doesn't mention this, because Stan doesn't like when you put him on the spot like that. Richie always pays their movie tickets and popcorn anyway. Bev is a spoiled brat.

"Okay, if neither of us is rich, and i'm the fantastic one, which adjective describes you, Rich?" Bev is actually extremely rude too.

They kept chatting like that until an hour and a half later, when after a heated discussion about what was better: having an attic or a basement, _(a basement was clearly the only correct option)_ Stan decided it was time to go.

"Hey, i was thinking of re-organizing my closet, and like, throw some things out, do you wanna help me with that?"

"Like, right now?"

"Yeah, why not?"

"Sure, but what do i help with?"

"Well, you definitely don't have the best fashion sense, but i will separate piles and just tell me if what i show you is worth keeping or not?"

"I really think i should say no because of the way you just insulted me Marsh, but okay." Beverly winked at him and started to pulling things out of his closet.

Since Stanley went to sleep the energy shifted, there's more silence now, and it isn't awkward because it never is with Bev, but she is just whistling while she puts clothe out of the closet, and everything is calm and quiet, and he can't do anything but start thinking again and spiraling.

He isn't sad, he is just really exhausted, there's a lot to feel and think about, too many emotions and Richie isn't good at them. He doesn't think he could be sad until actually seeing Eddie at least, but is the anticipation that kills him. At the back of his anxiety, he can feel excitement, but on top of everything is fear. What will he do, what will Eddie do, will he acknowledge him at all? Richie doesn't deserve that, and that's when the sadness will come. But there is something he is feeling that he can't put his finger on. He tries to imagine Eddie, he tries to picture how he would look today, but he just sees early 2019 Eddie, silent and fidgeting and a yellow sweater, maybe if he pictures him he can picture what he would say if he sees him… What can he say? He isn't in the place to say anything… and he doesn't even know what he wants to tell him… Hello?... just a smile? Mike-Hanlon-style?... but Eddie isn't Mike, and they didn't end on the terms him and Mike did… maybe something just like the truth like… _I miss you._

"But… i'm right here?" Bev is turning around and arching her eyebrow and… fuck. He said it out loud. Out of nowhere. Like a fucking freak. He feels his eyes popping out of his head, tries to think of something to say but Bev starts to nod in understanding, "You were talking to yourself." Bev keeps nodding, but maybe he can still save this.

"No?! It can be to you? I haven't seen you in like, twenty four hours Marsh! A fucking lot if you ask me."

"Yeah… but you just choked up saying that and your voice is all strangled and weird… so i definitely caught you in something… What are you thinking about?" He stays silent, even if it's rare, he really doesn't know what to say right now. He knew, he fucking knew: Bev always sees through him, she is too quick and doesn't give him time to hide his mess and cover it up, and it's hard to lie when you are in the spot like that. "Or… _who_ are you thinking about?" Too late. Is worst now.

"No one. Stupid shit. Really." Bev bites his lip and nods slowly again, she stares at the floor, like debating if she should say something or not. _Please make it easy for me Bev, come on._

She lifts her face, so she can see at him past the screen, at least she is still standing besides her closet, phone in her bed, a few steps away. "Remember how today i wanted to come here to see what the fuck was up with you and Stan convinced me not to?"

"Uhh.. yes?" Honestly where the fuck is this going.

"It took Stan way more than an ice cream to convince me."

"Bev! What the fuck?! I thought you guys were like siblings? I can't believe you would make Stan do such a sinful-"

"No, what the fuck?! No. Richie. Don't even try to deflect this with a joke right now. Eww, dude." Bev is not going alone with a joke, so she really wants him to shut up right now. Fuck.

"Sorry. What happened?"

"So, Stan follows Mike Hanlon on Twitter," Huh? Richie knows Stan _looks_ at Mike sometimes, but he doesn't understand how this has anything to do with their conversation, and Mike's name is kind of triggering right now, "he knows you used to hang out with him and Bill Denbrough and Ben, well, we both kind of know, you know right?" Richie never put too much thought on it, he never really talked to them about his life before them, but Derry High School is a small one, and everyone knows everyone, and in some comments here and there about the three in question, Richie knew Bev and Stan knew they existed, and he let them know they used to talk too. "Yeah, i know, what about it?"

"Stan told me he apparently tweeted something today about their old pal Eddie? Coming back in town soon?" It felt like a stab. He was gonna vomit any minute.

And maybe Beverly notices this, because she gives him a pity look, _and he doesn't fucking need it, thank you._

"If you miss him you can tell us, you know that right? I mean, does it have anything to do with you know, _you_ today?

"What?! No!" Okay, maybe that was too loud, and a lie. It startles Bev. He tries to lower his voice, "i didn't know Eddie was back in town." One, two, three seconds of awkward silence. "Cool i guess." Bev gives him a small smile. Is so uncomfortable. It's never uncomfortable with her, and he hates that suddenly it is.

"Listen, Bev, i think i should just go to sleep now."

"Oh, sure! Are you-"

"Goodnight. Love you." He ends the call, he feels like shit and he will have to deal with that tomorrow.

But he just lays on his bed, grabs his phone and opens Twitter.

Bad timing.

He never unfollowed Eddie on Twitter, he just never interacted with him, and had him muted, but someone has to unmute someone once September starts, so someone knows when someone is coming again. The tweet reads “in derry again in an hour, kind of scary not gonna lie”

@HANL0N replied: “ dude!! Can’t wait to see you and hug you till you can’t breathe”

So he tweets, "On an unrelated note, maybe i missed you."

Everything is about to change, but he is gonna deal with that tomorrow


End file.
